Only the Positive (Only You Book 1) Page 13

  By the time I pulled up at the staff entrance to the racecourse and fumbled through my bag for my key, I was sweating but nowhere close to tired. Thoughts of Reese, her voice sultry as she called my name right before she came, played through my mind on repeat. My cock threatened to get excited all over again, proving I needed more running time unless I wanted to be walking around with a hard-on all day.

  I moved through the corridors, waving at the cleaners—the only other two people here at this time of the morning—before emerging onto the racecourse. Running around the track was something I did regularly, and had for years, even before I worked here. Back then, I was still trying to process my messed-up childhood and my mother’s role in it. I’d only just gotten up the courage to leave and make my way back to my grandparents—the only place that had ever felt like home. The only place I’d ever felt safe or wanted. Running had been a way of channelling those feelings into something constructive. Anything else that might have taken the edge off those feelings could have landed me in jail. I’d seen more than one of my mother’s boyfriends land themselves there, with a drug habit to boot, and it wasn’t something I was interested in doing. As time passed and I’d come to accept my past, I found I just liked running. I liked the peace I found in the repetitive movement and the time it gave me to think. It was running around these tracks I’d realised following in my grandparents’ footsteps wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

  I ran laps for the next forty minutes, pushing myself hard enough that breathing and moving my legs became all I could think about. When my heart rate was through the roof and every muscle begged to stop, I staggered to the bar to grab a clean uniform from my locker. It was still early and none of the crew had arrived yet, so I took my gear to the staff bathrooms where there was a single shower.

  Standing under the hot spray, my thoughts turned to Reese. Her wide smile, her eyes, all that long dark hair that flew behind her when she rode. She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever been with, hands down. I still had to pinch myself that she wanted me. Even after she knew how much of man-whore I’d been, and how I’d never committed to anyone in my life—she still wanted me. Even after I’d told her about the HIV tests, she hadn’t gone running for the hills. She was still here, wanting to be part of my life, even after I let her see the real me. And that made me the luckiest asshole on earth, but it also terrified me.

  She was so good, and sweet, and quick-witted. I loved her feisty attitude and the way she gave me a hard time. She could have had any guy she wanted, yet she seemed to want to hang around, waiting for me. But I couldn’t do this. I desperately hoped she’d gotten as much out of last night as I had, but doubt sat heavy on my chest. Had I used her? I couldn’t give her any sort of commitment. But damn, it would be so easy to get lost in her. To let her in, to let her take some of the weight and the fear that pressed in on me. But great phone sex didn’t change things between us. I couldn’t put my burdens on her. Nobody wanted the baggage I was carrying around these days.

  I towelled off and dressed, running my hands through my wet hair as I paced back through the corridors. It was almost 8:00 a.m. and staff bustled around, doing their various jobs, getting the course ready for business. When I reached the bar, the light on the ice machine was blinking red. I dumped my bag on the floor, happy for an excuse to do some manual labour and work out a little of the agitation that knotted the muscles in my back still. It was just a build-up of ice blocking the chute, so I grabbed a metal scoop and shovelled. I’d been hoping for something a bit more complicated to keep my mind busy, but it’d do.

  I sensed more than heard Reese come out from the kitchen, the grating noise of metal on ice covering her footsteps. Over the weeks, I’d become hyper aware of her. I wasn’t sure if it was my imagination, but I was convinced I could smell her damn strawberry-scented shampoo in the air. I looked over my shoulder, letting my gaze drift over her as my heart picked up speed. “You fell asleep on me last night. You snore, you know?” I gave her a lazy grin, even though just the sight of her had me wanting to stride across the room and take her in my arms. I gripped the edge of the ice dispenser tighter.

  Her mouth dropped open, as if that had been the last thing she’d expected me to say. “What? You’re joking, right?”

  I laughed, noticing that the tips of her ears had turned pink. She was adorable when she was embarrassed. It was the whole reason I loved to tease her. Unable to resist getting closer to her, I left the ice to its own devices and crossed the space between us. She met me in the middle, and although I knew I shouldn’t, I stood close enough that she had to tilt her head to look up at me. I glanced over her shoulder, checking we were alone before giving in to the temptation to touch her. I let one finger run down her arm, trailing a pattern along her skin, pleased to see goosebumps rise in my wake. A flame of heat kindled at the knowledge I could have such an effect on her with only the very tips of my fingers. I tried not to imagine what I could do with the rest of my hands, not to mention my tongue.

  “I’m joking. You don’t snore, but you were talking in your sleep. You were saying how awesome you thought I was and how you’d never had phone sex as hot as that in your life…”

  She punched me in the arm, a grin spreading across her face. “Well, I know that’s not true.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “I’ve had much hotter phone sex than that.” Her posture relaxed, and I wondered if she’d been nervous about seeing me this morning. I’d been a little worried about things being awkward after last night and addressing it first thing had been a good plan of attack. Teasing always broke the tension and got us both smiling and relaxed.

  “I’ll have to try harder next time then, huh?”

  “Guess so.”

  She inched closer, and I felt the magnetic pull of her too sharply to resist. My eyes locked with hers, and I froze as her breath, minty and sweet, washed over me. And there was that damn strawberry scent again that had me thinking of her naked. Heart thumping, my eyes dropped to her lips. Damn, I wanted her.

  “You two seem to be in a good mood this morning,” Jamison announced as he swung through the bar door. Reese jumped and sidestepped to a more professional distance, and I snorted as I caught the dirty look she threw him. I stifled a grin. She’d wanted that kiss as much as I had. Damn Jamison and his bad timing.

  “Good to see you smiling, mate. There hasn’t been enough of that lately. After everything with Lijah yesterday...” Jamison’s jovial tone was followed up with a smile, but there was an underlying seriousness. I knew he’d been worried about me well before everything had happened yesterday, but I couldn’t find the right words to tell him about the HIV tests. Things might have been good with Reese and me now, but I still remembered her hand covering her mouth and the shock in her eyes when I’d first told her. I didn’t want to see that from anyone else. If my tests were positive, I’d have to tell them, but until then, I didn’t need to advertise what an irresponsible idiot I’d been.

  “Yeah, sorry about that. I know I’ve been a downer. I’ve had a lot on my mind. But I’m okay.”

  Jamison clapped me on the back as the first of the day’s customers rolled in. “All good, mate. I just hope you keep doing whatever has put you in a good mood.” He looked at Reese pointedly. She rolled her eyes at him.

  I pulled my shoulders back and stood straighter, unease curling through me. “It’s not like that.” I didn’t want Jamison thinking Reese was just one of my casual hook-ups.

  Reese placed a soft hand on my forearm as she laughed. “It’s fine, Low. You don’t have to defend my virtue.”

  “I’m not. I just don’t want Jamison getting the wrong idea.”

  The smile slipped from her face and she didn’t reply. She turned away to serve. Fuck. I’d upset her.

  But the customers kept coming in a steady stream, keeping all of us busy pouring drinks, preventing me from smoothing things over. I couldn’t help watching her from the corner of my eye, though. She was talking and smiling with her cust
omers, but I knew better. When she was truly happy, it showed in her eyes. This was just fake bartender politeness.

  The loudspeaker crackled with static before the caller announced the next race. The room emptied within a minute, everyone spilling out the doors to watch the race track-side. Reese had busied herself at the till, and I knew she’d deliberately found something to do that didn’t require facing my direction. Hurting her was the last thing I wanted. I just didn’t want anyone to think I was leading her on, especially Reese herself. But I needed to fix this. It hadn’t been more than an hour since she’d smiled at me and I already missed it. I moved in close behind her, fighting the urge to wrap my arms around her.

  “I upset you before, didn’t I?” I asked softly to her back.

  She tensed for a long moment before sighing. “Go out with me tonight, Low.”

  “What?” A spike of fear shot through me.

  She spun around to face me, pinning me with a burning gaze.

  “Go out with me tonight,” she repeated, her body still while she waited for my response.

  “I…uh…”

  Her head dropped, and her shoulders slumped as she studied the floor. My brain worked overtime, trying to process the conversation and what it meant.

  “You don’t want to?” She sounded small and hurt and that spike of fear turned into a spear of self-loathing. I was such an asshole. Despite my best efforts to keep things neutral with us, I’d led her on and I knew it. I should have stamped this out the minute I’d gotten that text message. I could have moved to a different area of the racetrack. I’d worked the bar plenty long enough, and I’d been due to move on for months, but hadn’t because I liked my job at the bar and the perks that came with it. And then Reese had come along and I’d stayed for her.

  “No! No, I don’t mean no. I mean I do want to go out with you, but there are other things… I don’t want to give you the wrong idea either.” Going out alone, just the two of us, seemed like a very dangerous proposition. Every time we were alone, I spent the entire time fighting to keep my feelings for her in check. I didn’t want to give her hope we could be a couple, even if that was what I’d wanted for weeks. I wanted her. And only her. I was done with casual. But I couldn’t ask her for that. Plus, there was the problem that every time we were alone, and often when we weren’t, that electric chemistry between us sparked to life and we ended up all over each other. How long before our restraint broke and we ended up in bed together? The thought of losing control with her, as magical as it would be to finally be together after weeks of denying ourselves, terrified me. I was toxic. And no good for her.

  She looked as though I’d slapped her in the face. “If you don’t want to go out with me, just say it. I thought after last night, things were different, but I guess I got the wrong idea.”

  Things ARE different! I wanted to yell. It wasn’t just last night, they’d been different for weeks, at least for me. The flirting in the bar, the hours of talking down at the stables, the way she’d been the first over the fence to get to Lijah’s side… She made everything different and made me want things I’d never given more than a fleeting thought to. I bit my tongue before I let that confession free. I couldn’t tell her all of that, but I couldn’t let her think she meant nothing to me either.

  “Reese, I want to go out with you. I swear, you have no idea how much. But you know I can’t get involved with anyone right now.”

  “Because of your medical stuff.”

  “Of course.”

  “I’m done with that excuse. What else you got?”

  I blinked. Well, that was blunt. She’d been dancing around that idea ever since I’d told her, never voicing it in so many words, but I’d felt it coming. She’d been so patient with me. I knew I hadn’t deserved it, and I guessed I’d reached the end of my grace time. Over Reese’s head, I saw Jamison come out of the kitchen. He took one look at my face and hightailed it back.

  Reese sighed, looking up at me with big, sincere eyes before she dropped her voice. “Look, I know your medical issues are huge, and they’re scary. But don’t use it as an excuse. Ask me out. Take me somewhere nice for dinner. It’s you I want, Low. Whether you’re positive or negative is irrelevant.”

  I blew out a tense breath, feeling some of the fight go out of me and sadness creep in. I wished I’d met her months earlier.

  I ran my hands through my hair, frustrated with myself and the situation. A part of me wanted to run, but a much bigger part held me still. “This is so fucked up. I want nothing more than to strip you naked and have my way with you on the bar right now. But—”

  “Stop trying to wrap me in cotton wool.” She folded her arms across her chest. “I’m a big girl. I can make decisions like that for myself. You need to decide what you want. Either you want something with me or you don’t. But you need to choose, without using your health as a factor. Because for me, it isn’t.”

  She was putting herself on the line. Putting us on the line. I searched her face for any sign of doubt, any flicker of hesitation or an ounce of regret. But no matter how much I looked, there was nothing but steely determination shining in her eyes. “I’m not asking you to marry me, just stop thinking so far into the future. Give us a chance because I need this as much as you do. And I know you need it. Don’t try telling me you don’t. I see it in every look you give me. I feel it in every touch. Do you think I can’t see the way you hold yourself back? You keep saying you can’t do it, but you can’t stay away either. So just stop. Stop trying to be so damn perfect, and just say what you really want.”

  Her words cut through me, pulling me in different directions. She was offering me everything I’d wanted back in the days of couch-surfing, with a junkie mother and no father in sight. I’d dreamt of having someone who actually gave a shit about me and didn’t want to use me for a government pension or to steal money from to pay for her next fix. And I knew it was selfish, but I wanted to believe Reese needed me as much as I needed her. If she needed this, wouldn’t I give it to her? Wouldn’t I give her anything in the whole damn world just to see that smile on her face?

  I wanted to be the man who made things better for her. I’d been trying to do that as her friend, but she wanted more, and was I really going to refuse her that? When I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted anything? She’d said to stop thinking so far into the future and maybe she was right. It was dinner; I wasn’t asking her to go to bed with me.

  I reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, tilting her face so she had no choice but to meet my eyes again. “You’re crazy, you know that, right? Crazy beautiful too.” The back of my hand trailed along her jaw.

  “I’m not sure if I’m insulted or I can just admit the truth in that.” Her shoulders relaxed, and a smile tugged at her lips.

  “I like that you know what you want, Reese. And I like that you don’t play games.” I paused. My decision had been made. “Go out with me tonight.”

  My fingers snaked around the back of her neck, urging her closer, until my lips hovered above hers. Her dark eyes shone up at me.

  “Actually, I’m not interested,” she whispered around a grin.

  “Smart-ass.” My mouth crushed down onto hers, hungry and raw. Her fingers tucked around my belt buckle, pulling me closer until there was no space between us. All the pent-up frustration from not being with her last night coursed through me as I deepened the kiss and she moaned quietly. Her tongue flicked once more over mine before she pulled back. “We can’t do this here. We’re drawing a crowd,” she murmured reluctantly.

  Lost in our argument, I hadn’t noticed that the race had finished, and a crowd was once more building up. Jamison had sneaked out from his banishment to the kitchen and was keeping them at bay at the other end of the bar.

  “Tonight then,” I whispered in her ear before releasing her. A thrill of anticipation shot through me. As fucking terrifying as getting this close to her was, I couldn’t wait.

  17

 
Reese

  After work, Low disappeared without saying goodbye, but when I pulled out my handbag, I found a purple Post-it note stuck to it.

  I’ll pick you up at seven.

  That was it.

  God, he was such a guy. He hadn’t told me where we were going, so who knew what to wear? But at least I’d managed to convince him the world wouldn’t end if we went on one date.

  I mentally searched through my wardrobe. Riding clothes I hadn’t worn in over a year. Clothes fit for a nightclub that I’d bought with attracting attention in mind but didn’t seem right when I was hoping to impress someone for more than one night. Or my work uniforms.

  I groaned. I needed help. “Bianca!”

  Fifteen minutes later, the two of us were back at my apartment. Bianca flopped across my bed, while I pulled clothes out of drawers and off hangers.

  “How has it taken the two of you this long to get your act together? ’Bout time the hot date happened.”

  I held up a denim skirt and an off the shoulder top for her approval. She wrinkled her nose and shook her head. The clothes built in a pile on the floor as I continued my wardrobe search. “I don’t know if I’d call it a hot date. I had to guilt him into taking me. It’s practically a pity date.” All the hanging fabric muffled my voice.

  “Yeah, right.”

  “It’s true. He doesn’t want to get involved with anyone while he…” My brain short-circuited for a moment, trying to come up with a lie. “While he has stuff going on.”

  Bianca waved her hand around, her armful of silver bracelets tinkling, but didn’t seem to notice my slip-up. “They might be the words coming out of his mouth, but his body language says something different. And I’ve known Low a long time. You can’t guilt him into doing something he doesn’t want to do. If he didn’t want to go out with you, he would have said no.”