Only the Positive (Only You Book 1) Read online

  Something uncurled within me, something that felt an awful lot like a protective instinct. I loved that smile, and I loved when she was happy. I wanted to keep her that way. I wanted to make her smile and laugh. I wanted to see her get excited every damn day and all through every night. Reese and her happiness were worth more than the car we’d driven here. Her smile made me forget I was the junkie’s son and the racecourse man-whore. Made me forget all about my stupid mistakes and the terrifying possibilities of the future.

  Warmth flooded my chest, and I squeezed her hand. Unable to wait another moment to kiss her, I dropped my head and let the back of my fingers trace along her jaw before sliding into her hair. I smiled and tugged her closer. She came eagerly, lifting onto her toes to close the distance between us. I laid my lips softly on hers.

  “Mmmmm,” she murmured when she pulled away, her eyes still closed. “What was that for?”

  “I didn’t want to wait until the end of the date. I want to kiss you all night.” My lips brushed along hers once more, her kiss making me reluctant to move even though we were blocking the path and forcing people to walk around us. It was too easy to forget where I was when I was with her. If I trusted myself alone with her, we wouldn’t be out in public very often.

  Her eyes glowed. “Me too.”

  “But we’re late for our reservation. And my stomach is protesting.”

  She laughed and I pulled her toward the restaurant. A waitress dressed in a multi-coloured skirt smiled as we entered. She showed us to a little table on the far side of the busy room and winked at me. “Here, a cosy table for the lovebirds,” she announced.

  I smiled my thanks, glancing at Reese to see if she had any reaction to the waitress’s comment. She didn’t. She just gazed around the room, taking in the atmosphere. Spanish music played beneath the low drone of quiet conversations around us.

  Reese settled into her seat and picked a menu from the table, flicking through it before she leant in and whispered, “It smells amazing in here.”

  “The food tastes even better.”

  “Can’t wait. I’m starving.”

  Our waitress returned and took our drinks order. White wine for Reese, bourbon and coke for me.

  “Would you like to order?” the waitress asked with her pen poised above her notebook.

  Reese chose two plates. I chose five. Reese was right. The smells drifting from the kitchen were intoxicating. I wanted to order one of everything on the menu.

  “So,” she said after we’d both had a sip of our drinks, “since this is our first date, let’s start with the basics. Is Low your real name?”

  I laughed. “Do you think I’m using some sort of alias?”

  “Maybe? It’s a nickname, isn’t it?”

  I nodded and took another sip of my drink. “It’s a nickname. Even my mother wasn’t off her face enough to legally name me Low.” I put the glass down and ran a finger through the condensation beading on the glass. “Truth, though? I wish she had. Because my real name is terrible.”

  “Couldn’t be that bad. Tell me.”

  “I’m not even close to drunk enough to let that one slip, Reese.”

  She pouted, and it was adorable. I had to fight the urge to lean across the table and take that full bottom lip between my teeth.

  “Well, we have something in common, because Reese isn’t my real name either.”

  I frowned, picking up my glass again and taking a swallow. “Yes, it is. I’ve seen your paperwork.”

  “I changed it. Legally.”

  “No, you didn’t. This is just a ploy to get me to spill my secrets, right?”

  She quirked an eyebrow and I laughed.

  “Well then, mystery woman. What name is on your birth certificate?”

  “This is only our first date. I don’t think I know you well enough to be divulging such sensitive information,” she joked.

  “I’ll tell you if you tell me.”

  She pretended to consider that for a moment before winking. “Maybe when we know each other better, huh?”

  She had a point. We’d covered a lot while sitting on hay bales cleaning tack and hanging out in Lijah’s paddock, but I wanted to know everything. I knew how devastated she was over her sister’s accident and how her estrangement from her family had led to her moving here. But what was her favourite colour? Did she like school? Did she want to travel? What was her biggest dream? We’d skipped most of the little, get-to-know-you things, instead focussing on the biggest problems, the ones neither of us could see past. But now, I wanted the chance to find out the rest.

  “Deal.”

  I offered her my hand and we shook on it, but I didn’t let go until our waitress returned with our first plates of food, forcing me to withdraw my hand from hers. I picked up a fork and speared a piece of chorizo from Reese’s plate.

  “So we’re sharing then!” She swatted me away from her plate with her fork and I grinned at her around the delicious meat in my mouth when she stole a prawn in a garlic sauce from my plate.

  “Ohmigosh, it’s so good,” she mumbled, grabbing another.

  The chorizo’s spicy flavour danced over my taste buds. I finished chewing and swallowed, watching as she enjoyed her food. She grinned.

  “Your mouth having another orgasm?”

  She winked. “You know it.”

  I dragged my gaze away from her. I loved that she didn’t get embarrassed by my teasing. Loved even more that she gave as good as she got.

  We polished off our little plates in record time, our conversation slowing to comfortable silence as I inhaled my meal. Reese looked equally interested in the food, picking a little from each of the plates, making positive comments when she enjoyed something. The waitress was soon back over, ready to see if we wanted anything else. Reese shook her head, and I did the same. I was still hungry, but I was more interested in the woman sitting across from me than eating.

  “I like this place. It has character.” She ran her hand over the scuffed wooden table, well used, but still sturdy. The napkins were cloth, and the flowers scattered in vases around the tables were real. “I have something for you.”

  “Oh yeah?” I murmured, trying not to let on how affected I was by her. I was having trouble keeping my breathing steady. “What’s that?”

  She rifled through her handbag, then held out a blue Post-it note, giving me a cheeky wink as she passed it across the table. “I wrote this for you last night. After we, well…you know.”

  Her eyes locked with mine, and although I reached out and took the note from her fingers, I didn’t look away. I couldn’t. Her dark brown eyes sucked me in until I couldn’t think of anything else. Heat rushed through me and I couldn’t stop myself remembering the way she’d looked in the alley, her hair mussed up, aching and wanting for something only I could give her. My cock thickened as I heard her voice in my ear the night before, crying out my name in the midst of her orgasm.

  Needing a break from the intensity between us, I scanned her neatly printed words, my eyes widening. The woman could write a note dirtier than most high school boys. I gave up trying to fight my erection and thanked God there was a tablecloth.

  “My voice can do all that, huh?” I said, trying not to let on how affected I was by her.

  She laughed. “I think I can actually see your ego inflating right now.”

  “Can you blame me?”

  She shook her head with smiling eyes. Damn, I loved the way she looked at me. It would be so easy to get lost in her, for days, months, or years when she looked at me like that.

  Her smile smoothed out and she bit her lip.

  “Low?”

  “Mmm?” I was still distracted by her teeth on her shiny pink lip.

  “When is your next test?”

  And just like that, my walls went up.

  I dropped my eyes to my bourbon glass, picking it up and taking a long swallow. She cleared her throat before reaching out to wrap her fingers around mine.

  “C
ome on, Low,” she said in the voice she used when she spoke to the horses. Quiet and calm, designed not to scare them. “We’ve pretended this is our first date, we’ve done the meaningless chit chat, but it’s not our first date. Not really. You aren’t going to scare me off. You can talk about this stuff, you know?”

  I sighed. “I know. It’s just...I don’t know if I want to.”

  She sat back in her chair and dropped my hand.

  Shit.

  I rushed to clarify. “It’s not you, Reese. I just don’t want to think about it! Especially not here, not now.”

  “Then when? You never want to talk about it. You want to stick your head in the sand and do this whole huge thing by yourself? There’s never a good time for this, is there?” She’d gone from soft and understanding to irritated in about three seconds flat. “I know you want to protect me, but you can’t. Not if whatever this is between us is real.” She frowned at me. “Unless...”

  “Unless what?”

  “Unless this is still just some fling to you.” Her face was so full of hurt and it punched me right in the gut, forcing me to sit back farther so I could breathe. The drone of voices in the crowded restaurant filled my ears, swirling and confusing my thoughts further. How had I given her the idea that this meant nothing?

  I reached across the table and lifted her chin, forcing her to look at me. “This isn’t some fling, Reese. I’ve spent the whole evening trying to stop myself from thinking of a future with you.”

  Her eyes widened, and her mouth dropped open for a fraction of a second before the most beautiful smile stole across her face. “But what does that mean? You want this? But…?”

  “But I don’t understand why you aren’t running away screaming. I don’t understand why you don’t think us being together is a huge problem.”

  She sighed. “I’m not saying it, because it’s an excuse. And it’s not real. Trust me, I know all about burying your problems in excuses and lies and finding ways to forget, but at some point, it all just becomes bullshit.”

  I sighed. “It’s not that simple, though.”

  “It is! If you like me, then let’s do this. If you don’t, we have to stop this. Let me go. I won’t wait around for some fair-weather boyfriend. I’m in through this whole thing, or I’m out.”

  I scrubbed my hands over my face. My heart leapt into my throat, making the words harder to get out. “Don’t you have any self-preservation instincts? I can’t put you in danger like that! No matter what I want.”

  “Is sex all we are to you?” She gestured between us, her movements choppy.

  Her words hit me straight in the gut. Maybe those first few days it had just been about sex, but then something had changed. I’d changed. And out in the stables we’d confided in each other, swapping stories, and my feelings had grown. For the first time in my life, I’d been able to open up to someone. It wasn’t just about sex for me. Not at all.

  “Because it’s not for me. There’s more than that between us, isn’t there? I like you. I want to support you through this, but you won’t even talk about it. You dodge the subject every time it comes up.”

  She slumped back in her chair, her posture matching mine.

  “It’s not just about sex, but the thought I could give this to you…”

  “I never said we had to have sex. That, I can wait for. As long as you need. And anyway, I think we proved last night you don’t even need to touch me to turn me on. But it’s not the point. Let me in. If you like me, stop using the physical stuff as an excuse to push me away.”

  Her eyes held me like magnets, sharp and focussed. The urge to stand up, storm around the table, and pull her into my arms rose, deep and powerful in my gut. “I want this.” My voice sounded strangled even to my own ears. “I want you.”

  Her face softened and she smiled. “I don’t need promises of forever. I just need you to stop putting obstacles in our way.”

  My nerves were raw, my muscles wound too tight. Brutal honesty was exhausting, but now that I’d started, I wasn’t able to stop. “Everything in my life right now is terrifying. I don’t want this thing between us to be like that.”

  “Then maybe you need to trust I have better judgement in this situation. You’re blinded by your fear and you’re ruining something I think we both need.”

  I frowned as her words hung in the air around us. I hadn’t considered that she might need me as much as I needed her. But with that one sentence, a weight lifted off my heart, and one of my walls came crashing down. It reverberated through me as surely as the walls of the building around us would, and something shifted in my brain. “My appointment at the clinic is tomorrow. It’s just a check-in. My actual test isn’t for a few more weeks. But you could come, if you want to.”

  She studied me for so long, I wondered if she’d respond at all. But I refused to look away. She needed to know I’d meant what I said.

  “Of course I’ll come.”

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  We sat in silence for a few more minutes, both of us picking at the remainders of our plates. I was mentally drained and though we seemed to have come to some sort of truce, the atmosphere between us still felt off. I wanted to go back to the happy first date stuff. Not to forget the conversation we’d just had, but I didn’t want to dwell on it either.

  “Have you ever had a cronut?” I asked abruptly. I knew I was still avoiding the subject and trying to lighten the mood. It was a fall-back habit, but I prayed she’d let me get away with it. The doctor’s appointment was a baby step; I knew that. But I was trying.

  She seemed to get it. Her shoulders relaxed and she tossed her hair back from her face.

  “A what, now? It sounds like it belongs on the wheel of a car.”

  “I’ll take that as a no, then.” I grinned at her devilishly as I stood up and held out my hand. “It’s a croissant crossed with a doughnut. There’s a place just down the road that does them. Prepare for your second mouth-orgasm of the night.”

  19

  Low

  The waiting room reeked of antiseptic and floor cleaner, the toxic-smelling fumes strong enough to make me wrinkle my nose. I glanced around the space and wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans. Why wasn’t anyone else bothered by the smell?

  The receptionist bustled around behind a large desk, answering phones in a too-enthusiastic voice and typing so hard on her computer I was surprised she hadn’t put a hole in her keyboard. A young guy to my right lounged in his chair, his thumb flicking over the screen of his phone. Neither seemed bothered by the complete lack of air in the small room, while all I could taste was the bitter tang on my tongue.

  I didn’t notice my leg twitching until Reese placed her hand on my thigh and squeezed. She didn’t speak, but the calming weight of her hand made me want more. I wanted to pull her into my lap and bury my face in her neck. Or better yet, pick her up and get the hell out of this stuffy room. But since I couldn’t do either of those things, I settled for letting my arm rest across her shoulders. I pulled her close and in one fluid movement the whole side of her body lined up with mine. She didn’t move her hand, even when the spasm in my leg stopped.

  This wasn’t even testing day, just an appointment to meet the doctor and talk things out, but here I was, verging on a panic attack and planning escape routes. I didn’t want to talk. I knew what I’d done and what my odds were. The HIV antibodies were probably circling in my blood right now, their numbers growing higher with each passing day. It was just a waiting game until they’d be high enough to show as a positive test.

  Reese squeezed my thigh again, and when I glanced over at her, she smiled. That smile stopped everything. Stopped my shallow breaths and slowed my over-stressed brain. Her smile said she knew I was freaking out, but she was here. She was in this, and we were a team. How had I thought I could do this without her? Her touch grounded me in a way I hadn’t expected. I breathed through my nose, and my chest inflated with air again, but this time, I almost didn’t notice the
obnoxious antiseptic smell. My nose filled with Reese’s strawberry scent instead, and the familiar smell of her calmed the crushing pressure on my lungs. I couldn’t keep running from this, not if I wanted her.

  With my mind less overwhelmed, I noticed the patterns Reese was massaging on my leg with her thumb. Two hard presses into the muscle, followed by a gentler drag before she inched over and started the pattern again. Damn, it felt good, even through the thick fabric of my jeans. It’d been weeks since that night in the alley, so a pat on the head would feel good right now.

  “Low Smith?” the receptionist called.

  “Dammit,” Reese whispered. “I thought you might have registered under your proper name.”

  I chuckled as we both stood. I’d forgotten all about our pact not to reveal our real names until we ‘knew each other better.’

  “Not knowing is killing you, isn’t it?”

  She grinned up at me and winked. “Maybe.”

  We followed the receptionist’s directions, down a long hall with many doors, until we found the one we were looking for. A label on the door read Dr. M. Sloane.

  “Oh my God, it’s Mark Sloane!” Reese giggled.

  “Who’s Mark Sloane?” The giggling intrigued me. Reese wasn’t a giggler. At all. But I liked it. I made a mental note to try to make her giggle on a regular basis. It was adorable.

  Reese slapped me on the arm as her mouth dropped open. “Mark Sloane! You know, McSteamy?”

  “Mc what?” I had no idea what she was talking about.

  “Mc Steamy! Grey’s Anatomy?”

  “I don’t watch it.”

  She shook her head sadly at me. “You poor, deprived little chicken. First The Notebook, now Grey’s. Though you lied about The Notebook, didn’t you? Does that make you a closet Grey’s lover as well?”

  This was the weirdest conversation to be having in the hallway outside a HIV testing office. I wondered if nerves had her babbling.